The Inspector General
by Alex and Michiko
Summary: What happens when I make our favorite pilots and the Digidestined act in a play? Y'know, I don't know either! That's why I'm writing this-Warnings:Insanity, nonexistent fourth wall, ooc, shonen-ai, insanity, brawling...oh, just read it! Please?
1.

Alex:Moshi moshi and welcome to my second fanfic everrrrrr!! I'm sure I'm much more excited about this than you are! But, here you are, which means you are probably going to read it! WHOOHOO! *happy dance* Okay, enough. Michiko, would you like to do the honors?  
Michiko:Eh, why not?  
We don't own Gundam Wing, Digimon, or The Inspector General (by Nikolai Gogol). Kiki owns herself, as do Alex, Lokiana, and myself.  
Alex:But since I'm authoress, and it's the start of the fic, and I'm forcing them to do something, I'm allowed to say THIS!:  
  
DANCE MY PUPPETS, DAAAAANCE!! *insane evil laughter*  
  
Michiko:-.-* She does that every single time we work on this thing...*sigh* Anyway, here it is.  
  
Crew:  
Alex-Director and Author  
Michiko-Assistant Director and Props   
Lokiana-Assistant to the Assistant Director   
Kiki-Sound Effects and Sound  
  
Cast:  
Anton Antonovich Skvoznik-Dmukhanovsky, chief of police-Heero  
Anna Andreyevna, his wife-Relena  
Marya Antonovna, his daughter-Wufei  
Luka Lukich Hlopov, superintendent of schools-Takeru  
His Wife-Ken  
Ammos Fedorovich Lyapkin-Tyapkin, judge-Daisuke  
Artemy Filippovich Zemlyanika, supervisor of charitable institutions-Quatre  
Ivan Kuzmich Shpekin, postmaster-Yamato  
Petr Ivanovich Dobchinsky,landed proprietor living in the town -Taichi   
Petr Ivanovich Bobchinsky,landed proprietor living in the town -Wufei  
Ivan Alexandrovich Hlestakov, an official from St. Petersburg-Duo  
Osip, his servant-Iori  
Christian Ivanovich Gibner, district physician-Trowa  
Fedor Andreyevich Lyulyukov, retired official, respected personage in town-Koushiro  
Ivan Lazarevich Rastakovsky, retired official, respected personage in town-Jyou  
Stepan Ivanovich Korobkin, retired official, respected personage in town-Daisuke  
Stepan Ilyich Ukhovertov, police captain-Sora  
Svistunov, police officers-Hikari  
Pugovitsyn, police officers-Mimi  
Derzhimorda, police officers-Miyako  
Abdulin, a merchant-Koushiro  
Fevronya Petrova Poshlepkin, wife of a locksmith-Ken  
Widow of a Sergeant-Yamato  
Mishka, servant of the chief of police-Iori  
Inn Servant-Quatre  
  
Alex:*walks into the theater and turns on the lights.* Where is everyone?  
Kiki:*is in the sound/light booth, which is way up above where the audience sits, glassed in. The effect is that she can see everything onstage plus the audience, and anybody onstage can see her, though the audience can't see her except the front three rows or so. There is a microphone in there currently hooked up to the speakers so when she speaks through it everyone can hear her. Yells* IIIIIII'M HEEEEEEEEEEERRRE!!  
Alex:*winces and speaks into her headset, which is currently hooked up to the sound/light booth* Hi Kiki. You do know the speakers are up all the way and you're yelling, riiight?  
Kiki:Oh. Sorry Alex-chan.  
Alex:'S okay. Has anybody showed up yet?  
Kiki:*cheerfully* Nope! Just me.  
Alex:Okay...I guess I'll go check the props since Michi-chan isn't here to do it for me...*wanders backstage*  
Duo:*strolls in, yard-long braid swinging behind him, purple eyes sparkling* Hello minna, the star is HERE!  
Kiki:*cheerfully* Hi Duo! Alex's backstage hopefully fixing the mike problem-I can't hear you...  
Duo:In which case-*yells with a grin* YOU'RE INSANE AND-  
Alex:*runs out in time to interrupt* I KNEW I heard you! Hey Duo, as much as you may not like it, we're censored because I'm running this for school.  
Duo:*pouts* Buuuut...  
Alex:If you try to say something we have the annoying little beepy things. Try it.  
Duo:*beeeeeeeeeeeep!*  
Alex:See? Oh and also keep your...glomping down to a minimum, okay?  
Duo:*evil grin*  
Alex:*slaps his hand lightly* Stop! My TEACHER has to read this! Oh, I apologize for this farce in advance, Pfouts...  
Duo:*dramatic sigh* I suppose I can suppress my urges...  
Alex:*rolls eyes* Just try not to be crude.  
Duo:Isn't that what I said?  
Alex:*sigh* Forget it. Didn't Heero come with you?  
Duo:Yeah, he's trying to get everyone else out of the car...they didn't really want to do this.  
Alex:Too bloody bad. Go tell them it's to pay rent for the rediculously gigantic space they use in my head.  
Duo:Okies. *runs out*  
Alex:Okay, we've got all the costumes and props...now I'll fix your mike problem, okay Kiki?  
Kiki:Okies ^_^  
Alex:*climbs up to booth to fix it*  
Duo:*comes in with Heero, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei* We have brought the hostages!  
Alex:*into the mike* Test test...Hostages? How about actors, did you find those?  
Duo:*yells up* Nope, just a bunch of Gundam pilots!  
Alex:Looks like the audio is fixed...shibby. *into the mike* Well, that'll have to do. Any girls in your lot?  
Duo:*looks at the others. Heero and Wufei glare back warningly. Sighs, muttering about people not having senses of humor, and calls back* Nah, you'll have to wait for everyone else. Who IS everyone else, anyway?  
Alex:*into mike* The Digidestined.  
Duo:*opens his mouth*  
Alex:*quickly* DON'T even think about it. They're all taken by various people except the ones that are TOO YOUNG FOR YOU. Besides, I thought you were under control?  
Duo:You don't even know what I was going to say!  
Alex:Yeah I do. Now don't bicker; we only have so much time, this play is long!  
Trowa:*looks up from studing his hands suddenly, only one green eye showing because half of his face is covered with a red-brown unibang. Quietly, evenly, he says* How long?  
Alex:Umm...*flips through some papers on her clipboard* Five acts.  
Quatre:*tugs on the slightly taller boy's arm, turquoise eyes concerned* C'mon Trowa, it's not that bad...  
Alex:Yeah, you've only got one part and your character has no lines (as far as I know...)  
Heero:*looks up as well, his blue eyes rather cold, his chocolate-colored hair ruffled* As far as you know? Do you mean that you have not read this all the way through?  
Alex:Um...  
Heero:*with mild disgust* Great.  
Alex:Well we're not supposed to do it the exact same as it was written anyway!  
Duo:We aren't?  
Alex:No. Okay can we get started now?  
Quatre:Um...Alex, two things...  
Alex:What?  
Quatre:*pushes his light blonde hair out of his eyes* Not nearly all of the people are here yet-  
Kiki:Oh! Oh! Tai called!  
Alex:*turns her head towards her, away from the mike* What?  
Kiki:He said they were in a traffic jam and would be late. *nodnod*  
Alex:*into mike* Quatre, Kiki says they're gonna be late, so I figured-  
*all of the Digidestined walk in, Tai in front.*  
Tai:Hey, sorry we're late!  
Alex:Shibby! We can start now! *runs out of the booth and down the stairs and passes out scripts* Okay I already assigned parts according to how much you wanted and how big of a favor you owed me-Heero, don't complain, it's not my fault you make drunken bets with Duo. Daisuke, don't complain either, you can't act!  
Heero:*glares* Mission accepted. However, after this is over, I will kill you.  
Daisuke:But-  
Alex:We have no time for bickering, we have to start emediately! Oh Quatre I gave you the supervisor of charitable institutions, so that should be kind enough for you- what are you guys standing around for!? We need to get going!  
Duo:The Peace*beep* is still not here though, and we haven't been introduced to all these kids *nods towards all the people that came in*  
Alex:Her character isn't in the first scene and- *points towards the group of Gundam Wing characters* Heero, Duo, Trowa, Quatre, Wufei, meet *points towards the group of Digimon characters* Taichi, Yamato, Sora, Mimi, Jyou, Koushiro, Takeru, Hikari, Daisuke, Miyako, Iori, and Ken. Taichi, Yamato, Sora, Mimi, Jyou, Koushiro, Takeru, Hikari, Daisuke, Miyako, Iori, and Ken, meet *points back to the Gundam Wing characters* Heero, Duo, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei. *gasps for breath* Okay everybody knows each other. Let's get STARTED already!  
Kiki:Michiko and Lokiana aren't here yet...  
Alex:GRNGH!! *buries her hands in her hair* You guys are going to drive me INSAAAAANE!  
Duo:*grins widely* That's the point, no?  
Kiki:*giggles*  
Quatre:Um, Alex, we've only been here ten minutes and you're already frustrated. Are you sure you can direct?  
Alex:Yes, yes, I just need Michiko here so I can delegate my mental breakdown to her. Where IS she, anyway!?  
Michiko:*fades in behind Alex and says quietly* Right here.  
Alex:Aah! *jumps and turns* Oh. There you are. Where were you?  
Michiko:Locating the Peace*beep*.  
Duo:Hey! Why does she get a prettier beep than I do?  
Michiko:Because my swearwords are prettier.  
Duo:I demand equal beeping rights!  
Alex:X| Oy vey. *waves a hand at Duo* Fine, fine, have your prettier beep, be happy.  
Duo:^_^ Yay. *BEEP!* Much better.  
Kiki:*presses a random button. It goes* Whee-BOING! *giggles insanely* Ooh, can I have that sound for MY beep!?  
Alex:Yes, yes. We need to get going NOW before anything else distracts me-us!  
Michiko:'K. PLACES EVERYBODY! *runs backstage to get costumes*  
Alex:*watches everyone look really confused and stay where they are, sighs resignedly* Okay! If I call the name of your part, go backstage with Michiko to get your costume, kapish?  
*Everybody nods or acknowleges in their own way*  
Alex:Okay! For the first scene we need-*looks at her clipboard*Chief of Police, Supervisor of Charitable Institutions, Superintendent of Schools, Judge, Police Captain, District Physician, and two Sergants of Police, go go!  
*No one goes anywhere. Instead, they get into little groups, trying to figure out who is who-well, the Digipeople, anyway. The pilots are all apart, though Duo is hanging all over Heero in an attempt to get Heero to help him (though he doesn't really need it...). After a few moments, Trowa gets it, walks a few steps to Quatre and speaks to him quietly. Quatre nods and they head off towards backstage.*  
Daisuke:*notices this and calls after them* Hey, could you help us?  
Trowa:*looks back* It is not difficult. You should be capable of it on your own.  
Daisuke:*shrugs* Alright then...  
Hikari:Oh! Got it! *explains, and Takeru and Daisuke run off backstage. All the other Digi kind of wander around, and Tai and Yama find a couch in the (empty) audience and sit on it. Meanwhile the Gundam guys figure out what they're doing and they get where they need to be in about a quarter of the time that it took the Digis.*  
Alex:*runs in looking panicked* Okay nobody panic, but it looks like something VERY BIG ate all the costumes so we're going to do this without! Okay everybody here? Nobody bitten? *rearranges some furniture and people* Okay! Let's go! *runs off*  
  
~This chapter has been divided because Note Pad will only let me write a certain number of letters. I apologize for its stupidity...I'm posting both halves at the same time so it shouldn't be a problem, but...yeah. Oh and the thing about figuring out their parts? Each character has at least two different names, and in different places on the scripts they're referred to by different names, hence the confusion. Also, this is unbetaed and was posted/finished rediculously late at night, so there might be mistakes...~ 


	2. Act 1 Scene 1

ACT I  
SCENE I  
Heero:*looks straight out at the nonexistent audience, speaking quietly in his normal monotone without looking at his script, which he ate, having memorized the contents.* I have invited you here, gentlemen, in order to communicate to you a most unpleasant piece of news: a government inspector is coming to visit us.  
Daisuke:*has a crumpled, folded, torn copy of the script that looks about a week old despite the fact he only got it five minutes ago. Spends about a minute fishing it out of his pocket, uncrumpling and unfolding it carefully so that it won't rip. Looks at his line, then shoves the thing back in his pocket. Looking around at everyone, he says rather nervously* What, an inspector?  
Quatre:*has a small smile on his face, as if he is enjoying himself. While he is holding his pristine script, he doesn't look at it. Right after Daisuke says his line he says* What, an inspector?  
Daisuke:*shoots a slightly annoyed look at Quatre and digs out his script again, repeating his prior performance, and once it's out he studies it carefully with a very small scowl on his face as the lines continue.*  
Takeru:*his script has neat folds in it, and he looks at it from time to time, but his inflection is very good.* Oh, my God, and with secret instructions too!  
Heero:*still has absolutely no inflection and does not change stance or move once throughout.* I had a sort of presentiment. All last night I kept dreaming about two most extraordinary rats. Honest, I've never seen any like them: black, and awfully big. They came, sniffled about, and went away again. And now I'm going to read you a letter that I'ver received from Andrey Ivanovich Chmykhov, whom you know, Artemy Filippovich. Here's what he writes: "My dear friend, godfather, and benefactor," *starts speaking under his breath, cursing the play, Alex, Duo, bets...and then continues.* ..."and to inform you." Ah, here it is. "I hasten to inspect the whole province and especially our district. I have found this out from most reliable of people, although he is representing himself as a pribate individual. Knowing as I do that you, like everybody else, are liable to your little failings, because you're a smart chap and don't like to miss anything that fairly swims into your hands..." *pauses for a count of three exact seconds.* Well this is a friendly party. "I advise you to take precautions, because he may arrive at any moment, if he hasn't already, and isn't living somewhere around now, incognito. Yesterday I" Well next there's some family matters: "Cousin Anna Kirilovna has come to see us with her husband; Ivan Kirilovich has grown very stout, and he plays on the fiddle all the time." and so forth, and so on. Now there's a fix for you.  
*by this time, most of the people not in this scene have wandered into the audience, where there are many couches, loveseats, and various other comfortable types of chairs. The couch Yamato and Taichi found earlier is near the back, on the right, in the shadows. They are making out heavily. Duo and Wufei are sitting on a couch a few rows back and to the right. Wufei is trying to fend off a nosebleed and Duo at the same time with a scowl on his face. Duo is hanging on Wufei whispering in his ear with an evil smirk on his face. Mimi and Sora are sitting on a loveseat in the mid-back on the right, whispering to each other and giggling. Ken is sitting on the right seat of the middle of the audience couch sweatdropping profusely because Miyako just sat down right next to him and is now staring at him. Iori is in the soundbooth next to Kiki for some reason, Kiki doesn't notice him. Hikari is in the front row, and Jyou and Koushiro are nowhere to be seen. A girl that looks vaguely like Alex strolls in the back lefthand door. She has dark brown hair, blue eyes, and a smirk. She walks down the middle corridor and sits down in the row above Ken, and watches everyone in the audience as well as the actual play.*   
Daisuke:*says rather quickly, staring at his script* Yes, and such an unusual fix; absolutely extraordinary! There's something up.  
Takeru:*was looking at his script while Daisuke was talking, and now looks out at the audience (mostly at Hikari) and delivers his line clearly, barely stuttering at the name.* But why on earth, Anton Antonovitch; what's this for? Why send an inspector here?  
Heero:*still in a monotone* What for? Evidently it's fate. Up to this time, thanks be to God, they've poked into other people's business; but now it's our turn.  
Daisuke:*has been scowling at his script while Takeru and Heero were saying their lines, and now delivers his line, stumbling over the name rather horribly.* I think, An-an-ton Aaan-ton-oh-vit-vit-vit-vich, that in this case it's for a *pronounces the b* subtle and more political reason. Here's what is means:Russia...Yes...Russia's going to war and the ministry, you see has sent the official to to find out if there's any treason brewing.  
Heero:*sarcastically with rolled eyes* Where do you get that stuff? Aren't you the smart man. *back to monotone* Treason in a provincial town. Is this a frontier town? Why, you can gallop away from here for three years without reaching a foreign country.  
Daisuke:*glares at Heero* No, I tell you, you don't understand...*looks at his script during the pause, then goes back to glaring at Heero* The authorities have *pronounces the b again* subtle ideas: even if it is a long distance, they aren't taking any chances!  
Heero:*glares right back-a regular glare, not his (c) DeathGlare.* Whether they are or not, gentlemen, I've warned you. See here: I've made, for my part, some kind of arrangements, and I advise you to do the same. Especially you, Artemy Filippovich. No doubt the passing official will want first of all to inspect he charaitable institutions beloning to your department, and therefore you'd better see that everything's in decent shape: the nightcaps had better be clean, and the patients had better not look like blacksmiths, as they usually do, in their little home circle.  
Quatre:*looks mildly worried at Heero's words, and after he says his line he starts looking through his script, biting his lip.* Come, that's all right. They can put on clean nightcaps if you want.  
Heero:Yes. And also above each bed write up in Latin or some such language-here, that's your job, Christian Ivanovich-the name of each disease, when the person was taken ill, and the day of the week and month...And it's a bad thing that your patients smoke such strong tobacco that a fellow always begins to sneeze as soon as he goes in. Yes, and it would be better if it there were fewer of them; people will attribute it right off to bad supervision or to the doctor's lack of skill.  
Quatre:*is looking very worried now, and is chewing on his lip in between his lines.* Oh, so far as the doctoring goes, Christian Ivanovich and I have taken our measures: the closer you get to nature, the better; we don't use expensive medicines. Man's a simple creature: if he's going to die, he dies; if he's going to get well, he gets well. And besides it would be hard for Christian Ivanovich to consult with them: he doesn't know a word of Russian. *starts looking around in the audience for Alex or Michiko, and doesn't see them-looks offstage and doesn't see them there either...Chews on his bottom lip some more.*  
Trowa:*quietly* Eeeeeeeeeaah.  
Heero:I'd also advise you, Ammos Fedorovich, to pay some attention to the courthouse. There in the hall where the petitioners usually appear, the janitors have started raising domestic geese and goslings, and they all duck under your feet as you walk. Of course it's praiseworthy for every man to look after his domestic enterprises, and why shouldn't a janitor? Only in such a place, you know, it's hardly suitable...I meant to bring that to your attention before, but somehow I forgot it.  
Daisuke:*still glaring at Heero* Well, I'll order them all taken away to my kitchen this very day. *snarls this line out resentfully* Come to dinner if you want to.  
Heero:*rolls his eyes again, as if to say 'Why on earth would I want to go to -your- dinner?' while he's saying his line.* Besides that it's a bad thing that you have all kinds of rubbish drying up right in the court room, and a hunter's whip right over the cupboard where the documents are kept. I know that you like hunting, but all the same you'd better remove it for a while; and then, when the government in pector has gone away, you can hang it up there again. And your assessor likewise...of course, he's a well-informed man, but he smells exactly as if he'd just come out of a distillery-*tilts his head towards Daisuke with a smirk with that line* and that's no good either. I've been going to speak to you about that for some time back; but I was distracted, I don't remember how. *Duo grins at him.* There's a remedy against that smell, if, as, he says, it's actually natural to him: he can be advised to eat onions or garlic or something else. In that case Christian Ivanovich might help out with some drugs.  
Trowa:Aaaaeeeeee.  
Daisuke:*is now glaring as hard as he can as Heero, and his hands are balling up into fists, his script crinkling. His teeth are clenched as he says his line.* No, it's impossible to drive out. He says that in his childhood his nurse bumped him and that since that time he smells a little of vodka.  
Heero:*shrugs* Well, I only brought it to your notice. So far as internal arrangements go and what Andrey Ivanovich calls in his letter little failings, I can't say anything, and it would be queer to talk about them, for there's no man who hasn't some weakness or other. Why, God himself has fixed it like that, and the Voltairians make a great mistake to say anything to the contrary.  
Daisuke:*is looking totally pissed off-his hair would be standing up like an offended cat's if it didn't do it already. In his anger his hesitation over the name completely vanishes, and he speaks very succinctly, after looking at his script once.* And what do you presume to call failings, Anton Antonovich? There are sins and sins. I tell everybody openly that I take bribes-but what kind of bribes? Wolfhound puppies. That's absolutely another matter.  
Heero:Well, puppies or anything else- it's bribes, all the same.  
Daisuke:*speaks through his teeth, giving the impression that he's going to start pummelling Heero any minute*Indeed not, Anton Antonovich. Here, for instance, if a man accepts a fur coat worth five hundred rubles, or a shawl for his wife...  
Heero:*is smirking at him, saying silently 'Do you REALLY think you can take me'?* Well, and what if you do accept only wolfhound puppies as bribes? To make up for it, you don't believe in God; you never go to church; but I am at least firm in the fairth, and I go to church every Sunday. But you...Oh, I know you: if you begin to talk about the creation of the world, my hair simply stands on end.  
Daisuke:*curls his lip: 'Yeah, I can take you! Just try it!'* But you see, I reasoned it out for myself, with my own intellect.  
Heero:*rolls his eyes: 'Suuure you can, squirt. Maybe in...never!', and proceeds to ignore Daisuke, who is starting to turn red with restrained anger. Also, there is a bit of life in his voice now.* Well, in some cases it's worse to have too much intellect than to have none at all. However, I mearely wanted to mention the district court; but to tell the truth, I doubt that any one will ever take a peep at it; it's such an enviable place, God Himself must protect it. Now, as for you, Luka Lukich, as supervisor of educational institutions, you'd better take special care of the teachers. Of course they're learned people, educated in various colleges; but they have very strange ways, naturally inseparable from their learned calling. One of them, for instance, the one with the fat face...I dont' remember his name...when he gets on the platform can't do without making faces, like this *sticks out his tongue an infitestmal amount. Duo sees it and winks from Wufei's lap, which he's managed to get into. Wufei is blushing and taking deep breaths, but it looks like he's enjoying himself. Heero spares a glare for them before continuing.* and then begins to iron out his beard with his hand, from under his cravat. Of course, when he pulls a snout like that at one of the pupils, it doesn't matter much, and it may even be necessary for all I can say; but judge for yourself if he should do it to a visitor-that would be awful: the government inspector of whoever it was might consider it personal, and the devil knows what might come of it.  
Takeru:*has been staring at Hikari. Is nudged by Trowa.* Huh? Oh, sorry...*scrabbles for his script and reads his lineSurely, but what can I do with him? I've spoken to him about it several times already. Here, just a few days ago, when our marshal of nobility happened to drop in on the class, he cut such a mug as I've never seen before. Of course he did it with the best heart in the world, but I got called down: "Why," says they, "are our young people being exposed to the contagion on free thinking?"  
Heero:I ought to also to mention your history teacher. His head's full of learning, that's evident, and he's picked up information by the ton; only he gets so hot in his explanations that there's no understanding him. I once listened to him: well, while he was talking about the Assyrians and the Babylonians, it was all right; but when he got as far as Alexander of Macedon I can't tell you what came over him. Damme if I didn't think the-  
Kiki:*decides this is the PERFECT time to try a new button! A young girl's voice rings out, interrupting Heero:* SQUEE! *she giggles madly and Iori looks away from the stage, toward Kiki. He starts studying the huge board with a strange look in his eye...*  
Heero:*glares up at Kiki, then continues* -think there was a fire! He ran down from the platform, and banged a chair against the door with all his might. Of course, Alexander of Macedon was a hero; but why smash chairs over him? It causes a loss to the treasury.  
Takeru:Yes, he's hot-headed. I've remarked the fact to him several times already...he says, "Just as you please: for science I won't spare life itself."  
Heero:Yes, such is the inexplicable law of the Fates: a wise man is either a drunkard of he makes such faces that you've got to carry out the holy ikons.  
Takeru:God save us from serving in the educational line! A fellow's afraid of everybody: all sorts of people interfere, and they all want to show that they're educated, too.  
Daisuke:*realizes Heero's about to say his last line, and tenses for the attack*  
Heero:*sees him out of the corner of his eye, and says his line calmly* But all this wouldn't amount to anything-it's that damned incognito! He'll look in all of a sudden with an "Oh, here you are sweethearts! And who's the judge here?" he'll say.-"Lyapkin-Tyapkin."-"All right, hand over Lyapkin-Tyapkin! And who's the supervisor of charitable institutions?"-"Zemlyanika."-"Well, hand over Zemlyanika!"-that's what's bad!  
End Scene 1  
~Here's the other half-well actually I've decided that I'll divide it up between scenes and the in-between stuff. So. R&R please!~ 


End file.
